To whom it may concern,
For generations, there has been a particle-sized pest that’s been poisoning the bodies of people all over the world. This type of inconvenience is the worst kind to exist. It goes from minor to major in a matter of hours, or as Drake would say, “zero to one hundred real quick.” Not everyone is affected by the yellow nose powder, but it’s affecting enough people to have caused a widespread problem. Twitter has tried its hardest in the past, but for these reasons listed above (and more), pollen, you have officially been CANCELLED.
For legal purposes, I’m “on your neck” (in the metaphorical way). You produce nothing. You bring absolutely no benefit to this earth. You dust up cars and coat them in yellow or green. Who told you to do that? Extremely disrespectful. Now people have to pay to get their car cleaned. Or if they’re lazy bums, they allow their car to stay disgusting and force everyone around their car to sneeze and cough as they inhale the sunflower dust. Rude.

And sure, maybe you can argue that you are “necessary to the life cycle” and that we “wouldn’t have plants and trees without it,” but is that really the case though? Have plants not evolved enough since the dawn of time to figure out a different way to reproduce without causing such misery to the people around them? There has been 500 million years on this planet, and you still have this absurd need to spread yourself to all the other plants. Embarrassing. No self awareness AT ALL. It’s high time that you mind your business and stay in your lane.

Let’s not pretend that you aren’t a menace to society only in the spring. You bring coughs, sneezes, itches, headaches and hives to people year-round. Spring just happens to be your “premier” season. To think of all the time and resources you WASTE. Some people have to get weekly injections or take a giant pill every day just so they can EXIST outside without feeling like they got hit by a train.
In the words of Abby Lee Miller, “Everyone’s replaceable,” which is why we regret to inform you that you have been replaced. Secreted pollen will no longer be a thing. From this point forward, plants will self-pollinate only, until you can use some of your natural selection skills and learn how to pollinate without harming everyone else. This cease and desist letter is a warning to you. If any pollen is to exists within the next week, all plants will be destroyed. The human race will eventually die out, and we will all be GONE. Animals, plants, trees — all of us will be wiped out. And who’s fault will that be? YOURS. You have officially and legally been warned.
-EPA

Executive Director with power given by me, Gabrielle Jenkins