Fall used to symbolize the harvest. Underneath the full moon, a farmer would carefully collect crops, inspecting their quality, and sell them to be able to provide food for his little farmer family along with his cuddly pigs and cows. We now exist in a world where machines conquer all and produce whatever mankind can imagine. No longer bound by the soil underneath their feet, a Frankenstein’s monster of milk, chocolate, chemically enhanced sugars and whatever whipped cream is was created: the milkshake.

On my third annual food review, I will compare milkshakes from five different fast-food restaurants om the texture, dexterity and the nutrients all found within each respective milkshake. I will also pick the best on a matter of quality to cost, because I’m not made of money, and I’ll pick the smallest chocolate milkshake available at each chain to keep a constant. Each milkshake will be rated one to five stars.

Cook Out – The classic. Cook Out is like a longtime friend that is always there for you. Known for their milkshakes, it’s about time to put them under the microscope. An immediate red flag for me is if I need to use the spoon provided. I didn’t order ice cream, I shouldn’t have to use a spoon to enjoy my froffy dessert. Cook Out’s milkshakes are very thick, and trying to suck it up through the straw gave me a headache. The flavor was fine, and the amount of cream to iciness was an adequate proportion. On another good note, it’s a fair price for the amount given.
16 ounces
Calories: 620
Price for smallest size: $2.97
Three out of five stars.

Chick-Fil-A – I’ve feuded with Chick-Fil-A frequently in my years of being a food critic. Personal vendettas aside, I’ve come to respect the presentation. Chick-Fil-A offers two sizes of milkshakes, as opposed to Cook Out’s one size fits all approach. Using chocolate instead of vanilla as the constant flavor allowed me to see how intense and rich the taste was for each chain. It’s hard to mess up vanilla, and it’s very easy to go overboard with chocolate. Chick-Fil-A seemed to be a little trigger happy with the chocolate sauce on this one. Thankfully the milkshake didn’t need a spoon and could be enjoyed as nature intended: through a straw.
20 ounces
Calories: 560
Price for smallest size: $2.75
Four out of five stars.

Steak N’ Shake – It’s in the name, it better show. Regardless of the quality, Steak N’ Shake consistently has a problem with slow service. They’ve gotten better and the drive-thru moved quickly this time around, but I’ve sat for ten minutes waiting for a shake before. Tsk tsk. When I got the shake I was disappointed to have to use the spoon again. Tsk tsk. It also had a weird almost cardboard-like aftertaste and proved to be extremely rich too.
20 ounces
Calories: 580
Price: $2.99
Two out of five stars.

McDonald’s – Infamous for having powdered milkshakes in the past, McDonald’s prides itself on being fast. Since then, however, they’ve switched over to a new formula: doing it the normal way, with a milkshake maker. This milkshake was very similar to Chick-Fil-A’s, making me question if any of these milkshakes are even that different at all. It was average and boring, I will not give it any more attention. I’ll give it a similar rating to Chick-Fil-A’s since they’re so similar.
12 ounces
Calories: 530
Price: $2.19
Four out of five stars.

Wendy’s – This is just ice cream right? My mortal enemy, the spoon, was the only thing provided this time. The chocolate tastes the best compared to the others, and it feels very light on the stomach. It’s the thickest out of all the milkshakes so far. I really think this is ice cream guys, but if it was, why put it in a cup? As a milkshake, it fails; I couldn’t drink it.
12 ounces
Calories: 299
Price: $0.99
One out of five stars. Purely out of principal.

I’m conflicted. None of these blew me away. Yet, If I had to pick the best, the Chick-Fil-A milkshake ended up being the best tasting, but also the most bang for your buck. Chick-Fil-A manages to barely pull in the lead.